Taking things personally

Lately, I have been thinking a bit about how people react to the actions of others (individuals, groups, or organisations), and more specifically about how sometimes, people (myself included) may get upset about relatively minor things and "take things personally" even though that is not in their own interest. Examples abound: the world is full of drivers who obviously don't know the traffic rules, or worse, couldn't care less, people who make your life miserable by their constant nagging/whining/complaining etc. etc., rude and inconsiderate sales staff, incompetent colleagues, argumentative and incooperative civil servants, and family members whose very presence is an insult and an injury (just kidding, and please don't murder me in my sleep!).

But the main focus here is not on the perpetrator/initiator of the action, but on how it may in fact be possible to change the way you react by analysis. Here are some elements to consider, grouped as actions and reactions.

In the category actions, we need to consider

• the focus or target of the action, if any: was it directed at you as an individual, at you as a member of a certain social or racial group, or was the action not actually directed at anyone?
• the intent, if any: were the consequences for others part of the plan, was it just thoughtlessness or an inability to see the effect on others, or were such effects considered irrelevant (an example of which would be the oft-used phrase by silver screen gangsters "just business" - as if that makes you feel any better about being maimed or killed)?
• (in some cases, such as insults): the type and intensity of the stimulus or action: was this normal or extreme behaviour, by the current culture’s or subculture’s standards?
  

In the category reactions, we need to consider

• whether your/my interpretation of the stimulus was correct (did the person really call me a "blurque", or was I just hearing things that are not there? Was it perhaps a joke? Was it in fact not aimed at me, but at humanity in general, and if so, should that make a difference?), all of which in turn helps determine whether your/my reaction was appropriate;
• the type of threat: is it just a question of personal pride or self-image, or is there a more tangible threat to your interests (e.g. your job, chances for promotion, etc.); and
• the intensity of the reation: superficial, or does the hurt go deeper, even to the point of making you doubt your own abilities. And if so, is that really the fault of the other, or is it your own fault, for feeling so insecure?

On the whole, I would say that trying to answer the questions posed by each of the above should usually help to calm you down. It might take an hour, but it gets quicker with practice, and it is worth it. (Basically, this is an extended version of the “count to ten” technique, with the added value that you might actually discover something you didn’t realise you knew). Of course, that only works if you really try to be truthful, and that takes courage and some degree of calm. If you are really furious, you probably need a sauna and a massage first.