Risk management in the family

The conclusion (if you can call it that) of a previous entry about different approaches to risks when bringing up children was that it is important, however difficult, to distinguish between unnecessary risks, which should be avoided, and risks that can be reduced by controlled exposure.

Here's another installment on the same subject: psychological tactics to use. Most parents would prefer their children to stay away from drugs (certainly including cigarettes and alcohol, and possibly even chocolate and coffee, or at least, excessive use thereof), to stay within the law, to find a good job, to give and receive love and respect etc. But how to do this? Some time ago at a social event, a colleague suggested giving the wrong example, because teenagers generally try to avoid doing what their parents do. (I assume this was a joke, but I am not 100% sure - she brought her case with considerable vigor and conviction). Unfortunately, of course, this type of reverse psychology really only works for responsible behavior. Children are perfectly happy to copy irresponsible behavior.

Some people (including, to a certain extent, my own parents when I was young) try to protect their children by minimizing their exposure to people with a less desirable lifestyle (criminals, drug addicts, prostitutes, etc.), but that type of protection only leaves children completely unprepared and clueless on how to react to certain situations or people. I think that in most cases, limited (and controlled) exposure to less pleasant and/or potentially dangerous things is a better tactic. It is a bit like vaccination: you expose yourself to small doses of potentially dangerous germs in order to allow your body to make antibodies. That, and informing them as fully, honestly and objectively as possible about the possible consequences of certain choices. And then sit back and hope they do what you want them to do ... :-)

Repression and over-protectiveness

The other day, under the shower, I had one of those fleeting thoughts that seem to make perfect sense when you have them, but elude explanation afterwards. The thought was this: being over-protective about your children's safety is somehow similar to the repression, by society, of certain behaviours, such as drug use. It took me three days to find a more or less rational explanation for this intuitive mental leap.

The explanation is that being over-protective delays the transition from dependence to independence, and the sooner they can statnd on their own two feet, the better. This is not to say that we should let our children run wild, and learn everything all by themselves: parents definitely have a role to play. But the role should be one of guiding, helping them learn things, not telling them what to do every step of the way.

Every day, when we arrive home, my children crowd around the front door to get it, and I have to try to keep the youngest from bumping her head against the sharp metal corner of the mailbox while opening the door. My telling her to watch her head does not seem to help much - she is of the age and the height where her head seems to be magically and irresistably attracted to corners - and I am beginning to think she will have to hurt herself, possibly several times, to learn the lesson. The same applies to a lot of things children have to learn by experimentation, such as all the balance games they play (I only intervene when I think it really is too dangerous).


So how is this similar to drug use? Surely I am not suggesting that we should teach people how to use drugs? Well, in a sense, I am. I think it is time to admit we have lost the "war on drugs" and that some people are going to use drugs anyway, no matter what we do. If so, it makes more sense to focus on reducing the negative effects of drug use, both for the individual, and for the society. This is not to say that I would encourage it (any more than I encourage my children to experiment with their balance games), but repression is clearly not the answer, at least not in the long term.

The problem, of course, is fear. Fear is pretty effective at blocking reasonable arguments, and in both cases (as parents and as members of society) we have good reason to be afraid. But at least, it seems, we are slowly beginning to dismantle the worst taboos about drugs. It may have not yet quite reached mainstream US. television (a impregnable bastion of conventiality and traditionalism), but not so long ago, a fictional police chief in the HBO series "The Wire" actually established a prosecution-free drug zone in Baltimore.

Now if only I could stop cringing everytime my daughters take yet another risky step towards independence ...