A friend recently mentioned he has difficulty saying no to requests. I exploited this weakness mercilessly (I was the one doing the requesting), but I feel I should offer something in return, so here it is: my mini-guide to saying NO! to requests made in person.
There are several reasons why we cannot always "just say no" to something we don't want, or don't want to do, but fear of rejection/a desire to please is the root cause. Those of us who have difficulties saying no tend to need to be accepted by others, do not want to disappoint, feel a perhaps stronger than average urge to be polite, etc. So the trick is to take the sharp edges off saying no. Here are a few ways.
1. Acknowledge the request, then quickly change the subject, or better yet, make a counterproposal that is related, but shifts the focus away from the request and towards something you want to do (turn the away game into a home game). This requires quick thinking, so if you are not good at improvising, you might want to try to:
2. Pretend you didn't hear the request*. For this, you need some acting skills, and it is also risky, so you should probably not use this tactic with people who matter, like bosses, spouses and children. (Some parents use this tactic with their children when they are small, only to find that it is used against them much more effectively a few years down the line, when their children reach their teens.).
*This works much better in the case of written requests, as can be seen by the number of times people pretend they "never received the memo/letter/email ...
3. Delay: "I don't know ... let me think about it and get back to you". This is probably the safest and easiest option, allowing you to invent some socially acceptable excuse.
4. Prepare a whole list of excuses in advance, including a fake diary full of fake appointments that you "can't possibly get out of".
5. If nothing else works, use the passive-aggressive approach: say yes without any intention of doing it, and invent excuses later. This works well in certain office situations, especially if combined with other tactics like misdirection and outright lying. Say your boss asks you to write a report on your last visit to a client. You say you will do it immediately. Within the hour, you send him an email with the briefest of summaries of your visit, promising a more detailed report later. In the email you explain that it may take a few days, as something urgent has come up (even if only in your fake diary), which moreover reminds you of some other issues that the boss had promised to do ... a minor disadvantage to this approach is that you will probably get fired at some point, but then, who wants a couchy office job where you actually have to write reports once in a while anyway?
Whatever you do, however, don't allow yourself to be drawn into a discussion of the merits of the request, because the longer you discuss, the harder it will be to still say no.
There are several reasons why we cannot always "just say no" to something we don't want, or don't want to do, but fear of rejection/a desire to please is the root cause. Those of us who have difficulties saying no tend to need to be accepted by others, do not want to disappoint, feel a perhaps stronger than average urge to be polite, etc. So the trick is to take the sharp edges off saying no. Here are a few ways.
1. Acknowledge the request, then quickly change the subject, or better yet, make a counterproposal that is related, but shifts the focus away from the request and towards something you want to do (turn the away game into a home game). This requires quick thinking, so if you are not good at improvising, you might want to try to:
2. Pretend you didn't hear the request*. For this, you need some acting skills, and it is also risky, so you should probably not use this tactic with people who matter, like bosses, spouses and children. (Some parents use this tactic with their children when they are small, only to find that it is used against them much more effectively a few years down the line, when their children reach their teens.).
*This works much better in the case of written requests, as can be seen by the number of times people pretend they "never received the memo/letter/email ...
3. Delay: "I don't know ... let me think about it and get back to you". This is probably the safest and easiest option, allowing you to invent some socially acceptable excuse.
4. Prepare a whole list of excuses in advance, including a fake diary full of fake appointments that you "can't possibly get out of".
5. If nothing else works, use the passive-aggressive approach: say yes without any intention of doing it, and invent excuses later. This works well in certain office situations, especially if combined with other tactics like misdirection and outright lying. Say your boss asks you to write a report on your last visit to a client. You say you will do it immediately. Within the hour, you send him an email with the briefest of summaries of your visit, promising a more detailed report later. In the email you explain that it may take a few days, as something urgent has come up (even if only in your fake diary), which moreover reminds you of some other issues that the boss had promised to do ... a minor disadvantage to this approach is that you will probably get fired at some point, but then, who wants a couchy office job where you actually have to write reports once in a while anyway?
Whatever you do, however, don't allow yourself to be drawn into a discussion of the merits of the request, because the longer you discuss, the harder it will be to still say no.
now a guide on how to say Yes, please
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max lacuz