In and out of control

The other day, while watching an episode of "Monk" (an obsessive-compulsive detective), I started thinking about how important control is to us all. Monk (and presumably, many obsessive compulsive people) tries to compensate for the gap between what he would like to control (just about everything) and what he actually controls (very little) by imposing control where-ever possible, in the form of useless but comforting routines (touching all the lampposts along his way, etc.). Obviously, he is very aware of the gap, and he does not really accept the fact that very little can be done about it.

The three most important elements in the above description are the size of the gap between what we want to control and what we can control (which depends more on our own expectations and assumptions than anything else), our awareness of that gap (some people hardly seem to notice that there is one, while for others, it is crucial), and our acceptance of it.

As far as the real (as opposed to the perceived) size of the gap is concerned, we can only control a very little bit: we grow up to learn a certain degree muscle control, and we try to control our own emotions and our own thoughts, but most of us are only partially successful at that. Of the outside world, we can perhaps control small physical objects, and we can exert an influence over (but do not really control) the thoughts and feelings of others in our direct environment (friends, family members, colleagues), but very few of us are in a position to influence (much less control) larger groups of people, except in certain situations.

Awareness: I think fear has an important role to play in this. It is of course perfectly possible to be aware of the gap without being unduly concerned about it, but fear will definitely increase the awareness. Unfortunately, fear also tends to make matters worse, because it can make it very difficult to accept the gap, which is the first step towards any kind of control.

And as far as acceptance is concerned, knowing what is realistic helps a lot. Notwithstanding - or perhaps thanks to - many infantile attempts to fly, most adults find it relatively easy to accept that humans cannot fly without help from some kind of machine. In fact, a large part of growing up consists of exactly that: learning about your own limitations and in some cases finding ways to get around them.


And they say t.v. teaches us nothing!
Now if only it would teach me to accept my own limitations ...

Theory 21 - the Mid-life crisis

According to wikipaedia, "Midlife crisis is a term coined in 1965 by Elliott Jaques and used in Western societies to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" or middle age of life, as a result of sensing the passing of their own youth and the imminence of their old age [...] The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, big-ticket expenditures, or physical appearance." The article goes on to suggest that it is less common than it may seem, and that it may be typically western, as there is "little evidence that it occur in Japanese or Indian cultures."

The article also records the existing question marks as to whether there really is such a thing as a mid-life crisis, because many of the possible causes listed occur throughout life, not just in the timespan between 40 and 60, and because many (even most) people seem to get by without crisis. To me, that is like saying that mad cow disease does not exist, because most cows do not get it.

I think it does exist, and I have a theory about it. I call it theory 21 in honour of Douglas Adams, whose answer to the big question about "Life, the Universe and Everything" is 42. The mid-life crisis only covers half of that, hence theory 21. My theory is that mid-life is the time when people reach a "boiling point" regarding their hopes and expectations. Whether this is traumatic or not depends, among other things, on how realistic your expectations are/have been and how easily you accept that things will not always go your way. And I think this is where we are going wrong, in western society: many of us have been brought up to believe that it is perfectly reasonable to expect not only that you will get the things you want (enough money, a good job, a nice family, etc), but also that you will be able to avoid the things you don't want (illness, a lousy job, poverty, loneliness etc).

But contrary to what you might think, many of us are perfectly capable of accepting adversity in the big things mentioned above. Often, it is the constant drip-drip-drip of small irritations (traffic jams, husbands who don't put up the toilet seat when they urinate, condescending waiters in fancy restaurants, etc. etc) that we have difficulty with. And the reason for this is exactly because they are so small that we believe we should be able to do something about them, even though often, we can't. Often, the only thing we can do is try to change our own reaction to them, because they are not going to go away.

Imagine a whole series of little buttons (the number is different for each of us), one for each irritation, each one with a different sound and a different volume (depending on your own sensitity to this specific irritation). Every time we come up against something unpleasant, the corresponding button is pushed. In some cases, the sound is outside our hearing range, so we are not bothered in the least. In other cases, the sound may be irritating at first, but you get used to it with time, and learn to ignore it (the same way people who work in a slaughterhouse stop noticing the smell). In other cases, you do not get used to it, and it becomes increasingly irritating with time. Still, you may still "accept" it, like old couples that are in each other's hair constantly, but wouldn't dream of splitting up. And then there are the ones that drive you completely bonkers every single time.

Mid-life crisis is when you start to see that life is too short to disconnect all the buttons.

Assumptions and expectations

Yesterday's entry set me thinking ...

If (incorrect) assumptions are “the mother of all fuck-ups”, hidden assumptions are the mother of all misunderstandings. And if you combine the two, you get a sour cocktail of mistakes and misunderstandings. Add unrealistic and/or hidden expectations and stir, and let this sour-bitter mix ferment for a few years, to let the anger evaporate. Serve lukewarm to get depression, cynicism, and a host of other problems.

	Assumptions	Expectations	Both together, short term	Both, long term
Incorrect or unrealistic	Mistakes	Disappointment	Mistakes and disappointment	Depression, cynicism, giving up …
Hidden	Misunderstandings	Frustration	Mistakes, misunderstandings, frustration, anger
Incorrect and hidden	Mistakes and misunderstandings	Frustration and disappointment	Mistakes, misunderstandings, frustration, anger, disappointment

NB: the hidden assumptions and expectations include not only the ones you hide from others, but also the ones you hide from yourself. Assumptions can be a bit like traffic rules in that most people find it much easier to identify the incorrect assumptions (or traffic violations) of others, than their own. And if you compare the top and middle rows, you see how important it is to make assumptions and expectations explicit: it is often easier to overcome mistakes and disappointment than correct misunderstandings and handle frustration.

To those who don’t like bitter-sour cocktails, the solution seems obvious: first, you have to make all your assumptions and expectations explicit, then you have to make sure they are as correct and realistic as possible. But as with almost everything, this is much easier said than done.

One assumption I often make, for example, is that certain people share my values (and especially honesty), and I am often unpleasantly surprised to find that they do not. You would think, after so many years on this planet, I would have learned my lesson, but my default attitude is still mostly the same: I presume honesty even if there is clear evidence to the contrary. And I think this is because this default attitude of mine is less “nurture” (something you learn) than “nature” (part of my personality).

If this is true of humans in general, it would mean solving the above problems could take half a lifetime. To which I can only say, given the advantages, have you got anything better to do with your time? :-)