Risk management in the family

The conclusion (if you can call it that) of a previous entry about different approaches to risks when bringing up children was that it is important, however difficult, to distinguish between unnecessary risks, which should be avoided, and risks that can be reduced by controlled exposure.

Here's another installment on the same subject: psychological tactics to use. Most parents would prefer their children to stay away from drugs (certainly including cigarettes and alcohol, and possibly even chocolate and coffee, or at least, excessive use thereof), to stay within the law, to find a good job, to give and receive love and respect etc. But how to do this? Some time ago at a social event, a colleague suggested giving the wrong example, because teenagers generally try to avoid doing what their parents do. (I assume this was a joke, but I am not 100% sure - she brought her case with considerable vigor and conviction). Unfortunately, of course, this type of reverse psychology really only works for responsible behavior. Children are perfectly happy to copy irresponsible behavior.

Some people (including, to a certain extent, my own parents when I was young) try to protect their children by minimizing their exposure to people with a less desirable lifestyle (criminals, drug addicts, prostitutes, etc.), but that type of protection only leaves children completely unprepared and clueless on how to react to certain situations or people. I think that in most cases, limited (and controlled) exposure to less pleasant and/or potentially dangerous things is a better tactic. It is a bit like vaccination: you expose yourself to small doses of potentially dangerous germs in order to allow your body to make antibodies. That, and informing them as fully, honestly and objectively as possible about the possible consequences of certain choices. And then sit back and hope they do what you want them to do ... :-)

The same old same old

I spend a lot of timing thinking about the process of habituation, and there are several things that bother me about it. One is the lag time between the stimulus and the reaction, which is usually longer than I would prefer. When my wife and kids go off for a week or so, it usually takes me about three to four days to get used to their absence, for example. Then, just when I am beginning to enjoy my solitude, they come back, and I need another 3-4 days to get used to that. Or take the Luxembourg weather. It usually takes expats from more benign climates 20-30 years to get used to it. By which time they usually retire, and go back to where they came from.

And the second is the fact that, with time, organisms react less even though the strength of the stimulus remains the same (desensitization). Of course, it would be impossible to survive without this, because you would simply be overwhelmed by stimuli. And the process of habituation is also an important survival mechanism, because it allows us to adapt, and adaptability is one of the main criteria for survival at individual, group and species level.

But there are situations where it is better not to adapt. It is all very well for me to get desensitized to the problems I have with my my music software, and just accept the fact that it will usually take 2-4 times to create a final version of a recording. (I have tried to fix it, but without success. Now, I just take a deep breath and try again each time the problem occurs.). But it is not a good idea to get so used to working with dangerous chemicals that you forget the risks (a known problem in laboratories). And on a grander scale, it is not so good to get used to "just accept" injustice, abuse, needless suffering and so on.

Of course, there is another, opposite, risk, namely when the same stimulus evokes ever bigger reactions (over-reactions). For the human race, that is probably just as bad as desensitizing, and for the individual it is definitely worse. What would be best is to stayed somewhere in the middle: aware of the problems, and committed to do something about it, but not overly involved emotionally.

Sounds very Zen, I hope. Now if I could only find that balance in my own life ...