Read my lips

Like most "pleasers", I have never been very good at saying "no", which means I often agree to do things that I don't really want to do. This is not to say that I never say no - there is a big difference between things I don't really want to do, and things I really don't want to do - just that when comparing what I might get out of saying "yes" (in terms of approval/future cooperation) to the amount of work this will mean for me and the possible negative consequences of saying "no", the balance usually tips to the "yes" side. Of course, I do sometimes try to get out of things, and it is true that these attempts may sometimes be too subtle. I could probably be clearer, more assertive, especially when faced with people who simply do not want to hear an inconvenient "no". But I have difficulty discerning the - to me vague - dividing line between assertiveness and bluntness. When I try, I usually end up being rude.

I see a similar pattern in other areas - professional and private - in that I will acquiesce to things that I do not agree with, usually to avoid unpleasant conflicts. I know this is not ideal, but things are hardly ever the way I would like them to be, and you cannot fight the whole world. So for the past 25 years or so, I have accepted this as part of being me. But recently (and possibly because I am getting older) I have started to rethink this. It is not so much that I want to do less for others; in at least one sense (parenthood), I am doing more now than ever. Nor I am getting crankier and pickier with age: the things that bug me now are basically the same as ever.

No, the thing that bothers me most is how I am being forced - by a battle of attrition - to give up the principle of honesty. I am finding out that often, it is simply not possible - for any number of reasons - to give the real reasons for not wanting to do something. So you end up making polite excuses ("other commitments", "something came up" ...) that to me are so obviously a lie as to be rude. But people actually accept these excuses. Worse still: the other day, on "Lie to me" (a detective series where the protagonists depend heavily on body language to solve cases), it was mentioned that teenagers who are good at hiding their feelings are more popular. Apparently, our society not only accepts certain lies (or untruths), it actually rewards them.

Hmm.